My initial reaction was filled with excitement and disbelief…I celebrated with a fellow playwright and then after I put my phone down it began to sink in.
It’s easy to write in my livingroom at night when the children are asleep. It’s also very easy to pay the submission fees and send my plays off to competitions, festivals, publication opportunities, etc. That is the easy part. It’s even become easy to swallow the rejections. Actually, the rejections bring an underlying wave of relief. So, although I get excited everytime I receive a response…and I may feel a little disappointed as I read the words: “Thank you for your submission but unfortunately…” I feel the relief of being released from any further commitment. And then I begin to prepare for the next submission.
That email didn’t come this time. Instead I received a “Congratulations” email that has now tied me down to many commitments, and complications, to the struggle of making arrangements and worrying about my children. Of course there is also excitement bubbling inside that within my alternative reality is the second reason for living….
The anxiety has grown exponentially since I discovered that one of my actors may not be able to commit to this opportunity. If he is unable, I will be very happy for him and the busyness he is experiencing at the moment, but due to the scheduling of the festival and the availability of the other actor….
Ever since I closed the door on acting about sixteen years ago I have had frequent dreams about being on stage; nightmares about the loss of control infront of an audience. I had similar dreams about driving a car until I finally got my licence about ten years ago. I don’t think my subconscious is partial to losing control…of anything really…
So there it is. There is a good chance that I am going to stretch my legs on stage for one more go. Perhaps it will help to wipe away those reoccurring dreams. Give me some closure to what I believed for so long I would spend my life doing. Or, God forbid, spark something that could change my future. I’m terrified, and excited, and feeling strong and determined and like a failure all at the same time. It’s a sweet piece that is emotional and intimate…to speak my words myself will be….well….it will be another blog….
Half way progress report.
So I’m half way through my self inflicted challenge. I’ve discovered that I DO run out of things to say, I CAN make time to write every day, I FOCUS more when I have a daily outlet, and again I can achieve ANYTHING I set my mind to.
I think I have made some pretty good decisions during the last fifteen days. I have not let my mind wander as much…due to the preplanning of each blog entry. I’ve stayed focused and even thrown in other creative tasks at the same time.
It all really comes down to what we want to do. If we don’t have goals then there’s no reason to get anything more than the necessities done each day. Making commitments, being accountable to someone makes a difference. Wanting to be more than just your 9-5 job, the meals you cook and the dishes you wash is a necessity though. Not to downplay or diminish the validity of that type of existence. If that’s all you do but you do it well and enjoy it…then that’s fantastic.
As a searcher I’m never fully satisfied. And for some crazy reason feel exhausted a lot of the time. Wonder why.
I have to admit though, that I have started to bore myself with all this internal ‘searching’ I’m doing all the time. I’m boring myself. Perhaps I needed to do this exercise in order to get to this point and then somehow find a way to wriggle out of that…to problem solve my way to the other side, whatever that may look like. Perhaps my blogs, and my writing in general will get better after having a better understanding of what is boring [to me and everyone else]…to cut the bullshit out. To get to the point. Shoot from the hip.
Inside I have an alternative reality.
A reality in which I have no limitations, secrets or fears. I have felt it develop over the years…it crawls out and rubs against me from time to time, when subconsciously I call out to it. It is not unlike my outer reality but is definitely not a mirror image. Sometimes they play parallel to one another when there is no definitive beginning or end to either. And I do believe that they could be good friends if one didn’t always surrender to the other.
But I nurture and feed them both. Why wouldn’t I? They both bring me joy and excitement and pain…both at times, make my heart beat and my mind scramble. I’m annoyed by both and crave cuddles from both….
I’m not sure how my two alternative realities became cats. I haven’t owned a cat in almost twenty years…but there it be. I do however thrive on these two parallel plains that I exist within and cherish the escape when needed. I don’t know if others indulge in this type of existence and in some respects I don’t really care.
This is Me.
Then there are days when you live in a chaotic, joyful wind tunnel of tears, and messes and giggles. When nothing outside your house matters and you laugh through your day as you struggle to stay on top…but it’s ok. There are no worries, no fears…just a sloppy craziness that feels so much better then what it could be. All the fear, and destruction of the world is left out in the snow and you are thankful. There is a gratitude that you breathe in and out as you clean in your soaked, crumb crusted socks with a smile on your face and a lightness in your heart.
But that is just today.
Tomorrow will bring something new….
Two days ago I ran my fist event of the year. It was a trail fun run with food, prizes and a speaker afterwards. To be quite honest I was too quick to judge. I thought it sounded silly to sit and listen to someone speak after running for an hour. I was hoping it wasn’t a selling strategy, and deep down I was hoping to maybe be inspired. Rachel Hannah. A medal winner who has represented our country more than once in Running. Not a natural speaker by any means but I did get inspired. I was inspired to hear about the trials and tribulations of a professional runner. How she didn’t qualify for the pan am games with her regular event so within only weeks she changed her strategy, and her event and qualified to represent Canada as a marathon runner. That resonated with me. How even the professionals can’t map everything out. That we need to be willing to bend and change our route as needed. That our life might not turn out exactly as we had hoped, that our birthing experience may not be perfect, and our family may not look as we had dreamed as young children, but that is ok.
She won the bronze by making that quick decision to change her goal. And even though it’s different than what we had originally hoped for, we too can make changes in our route to achieve something great.
The speeches tonight at the Golden Globes were inspiring and tear jerking. I admire the strength of the messages these people with influence are sending out, and I am hopeful for the future of my daughters.
i am also fearful. I am fearful that some people may be getting tired and frustrated with the notion of women standing together being shoved in their faces. I can understand how some may be exhausted listening to the months of accusations, the news stories of men of high profile being outted for their sexual misconduct from sometimes decades ago. Especially, the ridiculousness with which the current leader of the free world can continue to go on his merry way even after inappropriate claims, statements, name calling etc. and one of their favourite actors be shunned for a bit of groping. I can even see how men can become angry with this current state of uproar out of their own fears of what they can and cannot say and do in the workplace and elsewhere.
I get it.
i do however wonder if they understand what it is like as a young woman of 13 to be heckled by grown men in your own neighbourhood (where it should be safe for you to learn and grow!) What it feels like to be noticed for the development of your tits and zero else. I wonder if they can fathom what it is like to look up to someone who will eventually bring a bottle of wine to your first apartment when you are finally “just old enough”.
This shit is real. And if it feels too extreme for you right now imagine how it feels to be grabbed in a park with no one around to help you. It is extreme and real and perhaps the whole world needs it thrown in their bloody faces not once or twice but for years until they all finally get it.
Back when #metoo was circulating I posted that hashtag to my Facebook wall. I’ve had experiences with role models, managers, dates, strangers…I’ve had experiences in which I didn’t understand what was happening. Moments when I thought I was making the right choice for my career and also just my safety. I’m not saying we don’t make bad choices but we need to look at where those choices were learned. It is our responsibility for ALL of us to make changes, to create change for the younger generations…for women and men of all ages, creeds, colours..to feel safe to live this life we have all been gifted with.
I feel like I need to apologize.
Sometimes, when we put ourselves into a position in which we are grabbing for straws…looking for anything to write about in order to fulfill the challenge we’ve ridiculously forced upon ourselves…we end up here. Where the ego takes over. And I’ve been feeling guilty ever since.
Just because I’ve been feeling a certain amount of clarity over the last ten days doesn’t mean that everyone has. And further more, because you haven’t doesn’t make you less worthy, significant, or intelligent. I admit that I’m frustrated with individuals within my own ‘life circle’ who can’t seem to conjure up a little bit of positivity but…let’s face it. I’m in over my head with that last blog. They were observations and comments about my own experience and definitely not yours. I realize that there are a lot of reasons as to why people cannot see or experience what I’ve recently been trying to explain within this small time, insignificant blog. They are valid, and you are very valid.
Sometimes in my, what can be very childish mind, I get carried away and I apologize. I was a dick. And you didn’t deserve it. My ego was a dick who took over and I promise to attempt to keep her at bay for as long as I can.