Ok, from time to time I’ve had to call bullshit on my own blogs…and this is the case now. I wanted to write something about today…but what I wrote was crap. Absolute, and complete shite.
So this is what I wanted to say….
When I was a kid I was constantly afraid people could hear my thoughts. I had this strong fear…like I knew for sure they were out there and one day I would walk past one of them and they would know something about me that I didn’t want them to.
I used to walk down the street with judgement. Not so much about how someone was dressed or looked but more so how they made me feel. If I was uncomfortable or attracted or afraid…I was terrified that at the exact moment that our paths actually crossed, when we were literally inches from each other’s shoulders they would hear what I was thinking and turn on me.
It never happened…not so far anyway…and to be quite honest, that fear still lingers.
That is what I am anxious about today.
All these people will be in close proximity to me for the next 24 hours. What I would imagine to be perfect thought hearing distance. What if they can hear me? What if they see me?
It’s the first time I’ve had my words on their feet and I’m so excited. Within the confines of my backyard…I think the little piece is quite brilliant to be completely honest. But beyond that…well all these people will be seeing something that is mine…that is a part of me…and if they are able to hear my thoughts…my dreams of being a playwright will be shattered over the next day. It’s terrifying.
I’m filled with a whirlwind of anxiety and excitement and wordless, stomach aching, shit provoking, wrist slitting, pill popping craziness.
Must keep my thoughts quiet and my smile stretched and my insides inside.