I’m a Masochist

 

FullSizeRender (12)In the past I have questioned the idea of sacrificing yourself for your art. How far is too far…??? But then on the other hand I question what is enough? You can learn structure, and skill and tricks and recipes to create something lovely but does it matter? What’s the point if you’re not throwing yourself into it…not driven by it or starving for it or succumbing to the act of creation whole heartedly?

Perhaps its a romantic notion I have always had tucked away in my mind’s eye…but I want my heart thumping in my throat when I’m creating…I want to push the limits further each time I work on a new project. I want to feel alive and nervous and afraid…and leave a small part of me in everything I do. If I don’t…who will care?

Do I create so that people will notice me? Yes. To a degree; yes. But I also create to effect, to make people question, to shock, to create a response, to inspire and awaken…and yes…I am out there right now as I write this…but I feel strongly about it….I’ve discovered this over the last couple years of my creative journey. I’ve discovered that I need to put it on the line…I need to push and fight and struggle…and that that makes me feel alive.

If that means that I gradually lose pieces of me…then so be it. That’s my choice. (my dramatic, self indulged choice). But my choice. It just doesn’t feel enough otherwise.

You know?

I don’t need mountains to climb. Although a few crazy marathons might do me well….but I do need this. I need to really break myself apart…take little pieces of my insides and nervously expose them to anyone willing to look.

I do not want to be safe.

I’m not even sure I want to be ok all the time. That probably sounds stupid…but…I’m ok with it…it’s part of the ride…part of my ride.

Fuck it.

Perhaps I’m a masochist.

So be it.

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