There is a moment during intercourse when a woman suddenly slides down the other side into orgasm. It’s a single moment and then she can’t turn back..it’s upon her and she is caught up and everything else is released…I find that it is the same with drinking…It is a gradual build that suddenly pushes you over the other side. And you are suddenly drunk and caught up in an introspective whirlwind of emotion and release and drunkenness….
Since the half marathon I haven’t been able to run. My foot is sore when I’m even sitting down. So I’ve rested. Gone from running almost 50km a week to none. My body and mind is fidgety, I’m over sensitive and crave any kind of release I can get. And so I’ve been enjoying a few drinks. It’s allowed isn’t it? It’s allowed me to accept, to be open to other possibilities and to have faith in what the future holds. Everyone needs rest. Everyone needs a break from training, studying, or any other intense practice.
It’s torture to not do what it is you love to do. It’s torture to force yourself to hide the yearning you feel for something that you believe you are meant to be doing…I’m convincing myself that it is ok. That eventually I will get back to it…that I will be ok…and if not; well then I can evolve and find something new to do. I feel this torture because of the looming fear that I will never get to do it again. The pessimistic versus the hopeful. I’ve got both and they are in a constant struggle these days. Doesn’t seem like much to an outsider but for someone who experiences her closest sense of freedom pounding the pavement with or without her children and hasn’t run in two weeks…internally it’s beginning to feel desperate. And self destructive.
This too will pass. It all does…as humans we just refuse to accept it.
So I will have another small drink…enjoy a little more drawing and then head to bed.
Tomorrow is another day.