I feel calm. I’ve had my hot, quiet bath, my favourite tea and chocolate and I’m sitting quietly watching a lame romantic movie. And I feel calm.
I haven’t written in this much lately. I haven’t felt like sharing. I have so many thoughts that for some reason these days I’ve wanted to keep to myself. I don’t feel like dissecting, or explaining, or….sharing.
Today came and went before I had a chance to take enough deep breaths. I hadn’t had a chance to swallow down the adventure in front of me. I went through my lists, and baked and cleaned. I lost my patience with my kids and allowed myself to feel lazy for a bit. But the bubbling inside clung to my lungs and constricted my chest, I was forgetful and unfocused and frenzied.
And now I am calm. Not because I tried to be… but because it just suddenly came. One moment I wasn’t and then the next…I was.
Sometimes we make choices that boxes us in. We commit ourselves to something that makes us feel claustrophobic. Sometimes its a life choice, sometimes its an adventure or direction that is brave but scary. I don’t run with anyone but my children…so I don’t know what other runners experience. For me; I make a decision to enter a run and then I’m committed. I never allow myself to falter…but then I’ve never been so much afraid that I’ve actually considered it.
I’ve made this choice. It’s a ridiculous, crazy choice but I believe that I can do it. Why not? Why not attempt to do something that everyone would view as insane? Why not?
Running is painful sometimes. I’m definitely not built for it. But there’s something about finishing a race that is more satisfying than…almost anything else. Knowing that I’ve pushed my body further than it should have been able to go…That feeling of accomplishment after running for three straight hours…when your legs hurt so much and felt like they couldn’t move any further but yet you continued on…you pushed your way through. It’s a mental game. Perhaps it’s a way of gathering proof of your mental strength and stamina.
When I drive by a runner, or am sitting in the park and a runner goes by…I feel envy. I feel envy of their mental state as they push their body forward…I’ve never been the smartest but when it comes to mental strength I can honestly say that I’m proud.
So even though I’m terrified of tomorrow. I will get up and eat a good breakfast and get my ass over to the start line and kill this challenge. Perhaps if I’m lucky I will get to experience just a moment of runners bliss…but that’s another blog for another day….