Self doubt. An enemy of monstrous proportions. The number one killer of dreams, goals, friendships, families, careers, joy and anything else positive in life.
She lingers in the shadows, in the corners of the house where supposedly it should be a place of peace and solitude. (I call self doubt a ‘she’, eventhough I have had reason over my life time to fear men much more, because she is gentle and conniving and well, she comes from within so of course…)
Self doubt has overpowered many of my dreams. She won the battle in NYC, she tricked me into giving up at a few of my former jobs, she even made me think that some of the closest people around me suddenly didn’t care. She’s strong and a bitch…and although I guess a small amount of her helps me to stay grounded (not that my economical status and other current life factors don’t do that for me)…I do not like her.
Yesterday I received an email from someone who wanted to chat about a play I’m currently writing. Self doubt was bored and decided to stick her pointy little nose into my business. I suddenly thought I was in trouble.( I do that often when things are going well with a project) How could I be in trouble??? Did I write something she didn’t approve of??? Does she no longer think that I have potential and should quit immediately??? Still living within a mind of a teenager I assumed that I should just evacuate immediately, run to my room and hide my head under the pillow for as long as I possibly could breathe under there.
I’m almost 42 years old. I have done nothing wrong…besides maybe putting myself out there a lot in hopes of fulfilling something that has not yet been fulfilled. I have not been harmed and I have not harmed anyone else. Have I? I mean…no I have not. (I think…shut up you!)
So I guess the battle continues. She will keep interfering and I will continue to push her away. Apparently I haven’t yet learned how to make her scadattle for good…yet.
And now, off to make that call and find out what kind of trouble…I mean…compliment this person would like to offer me….