Fuck I Think Too Much

I’ve been thinking about the idea of ‘being in the zone’. More obscurely known as ‘being in the zone of optimal functioning’. (Yes I had to look that one up) It normally refers to an athlete who; due to the right amount of sleep, the right food, good relationships, training, coaching, etc., is able to perform so beautifully in a state in which they don’t need to think. When all the before mentioned, as well as just pure, raw talent come together in a performance that is untouchable.

I’ve been thinking about this because of all the performance anxiety I’ve been feeling lately. Can an artist experience it? Can a writer?

I think that due to my dedication, drive and constant practicing I’m in a comfortable place with my art. I don’t know what ‘the zone’ would feel like while creating…I feel competent. I feel proud for sticking to it…but it’s not necessarily a performance that at any one particular moment feels so perfect that I could label it as being in ‘the zone’. Perhaps I’m afraid of being that confident. My art honestly feels amateurish to me…but then someone who isn’t artistic sees them and reacts very positively and I certainly feel a little glow.

I think I’ve come to accept that I’m not going to be happy with my show. I will accept it and swallow my pride and try my best to publicize the shit out of it anyway….it’s my first show…and who knows how many more I will have. We never know how many days we have left….we better do each one like it’s our last. Right?

I’ve started my second piece. It’s beautiful already….I think. But I wonder as I go along if each piece is going to get better. Will I still want to display the first one after I’ve made a dozen more? Will the first one still be worth looking at after I’ve learned so much creating ten others?

Fuck I think too much.


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