And She Took One Breath

“Hello, Devon speaking”

“Hi Devon, it’s Je…”

“Oh hi Jenn, Lola’s mommy…um…let’s see what I have…”

And for that one fucking milasecond Lola was alive in Devon’s world. I hadn’t yet told this lovely lady who had groomed and cared for my baby that she was gone. And so for that moment I was transported back to a normalcy I knew over the last nine years when I would call Devon and negotiate over the next available Saturday afternoon.

How many times does someone only exist in our own personal world? Unless you are listed as their ’emergency contact’ person you may not know for a couple of hours, days or even weeks and during that time period they still exist for you. In your mind’s eye they are still breathing and doing and living because well…how could they not? And then you receive the message and it’s all taken away.

I’m always amazed how drastic someone else’s world can change while yours remains the same. A woman’s pregnancy can come and go and they are suddenly struggling with sleepless nights and nursing…and meanwhile my life feels exactly the same. Like no time has lapsed for me but years have passed in their world.

So my days can stand still while your days could end…and I wouldn’t even know.

That scares me. Because one day it will be the other way around. And then I will only exist in your world for as long as you don’t know.

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