Ok…I’ve got one more in me…one more thing I need to address before I continue my mourning in silence. I know that life goes on…I know that she was only a dog and one day I will be even more devastated when one of my human family members die…I know that I will be fine and my girls will be fine and that hopefully one day we will get another dog and although she won’t be actually replaced; the hole will be filled again.
My concern is my fear. My fear has swelled exponentially. One week ago Lola was playing and jumping on me begging for baby cookies…her absolute favourite treat. Who will it be one week from now????
My mom has a very sore throat and went to the doctors today. My first reaction was to panic. What if she had throat cancer? She doesn’t. It’s just a viral throat infection and she will get better…but what if it’s just a symptom of something else much more serious? How would we know?
One moment my dog is fine and the next she has an enlarged heart, fluid in her lungs that is spilling out into her body and she’s struggling to breathe.
I have a sun spot on my cheek. It’s been there for years and although I realize that it’s due to my lack of sun protection at a younger age I kind of liked it. It was a unique marking on my face that I accepted was just part of me, of my appearance. Three weeks ago I noticed that it not only changed colour but that it is growing in thickness. I have seen a doctor and am currently waiting for the referral. My doctor’s words were; “Well, that’s concerning”. So now it sits there on my face whispering tiny nightmares into my ear. It laughs at me and points at me when I’m struggling…it clings to me and will not let go. It has trapped me in what feels like a cage that no key is currently available for. This week I’m playing and yelling at my kids, I’m making dinner, helping my neighbors, changing bums…and next week….will I be sick?
Although my history always contains a good douse of the over-dramatics, these are the fears that are living inside my mind now. You can always say, “oh it will pass” or “you will eventually get over it” or “don’t be so dramatic”…but is that how we should live? Avoiding the truth? Knowing that next week could be the last but pretending that it is not possible? Are we meant to live with a certain amount of numbness in order to be able to deal with the cards dealt? If we were always present, bright eyed and completely aware; would we not all be insane? How can one actually process the reality of this life and still find daily joy and giggles? Just sweep it under the rug and step over it I guess…
Last week she was playing with her girls, this week I’m writing out my thoughts, next week what will you be doing????