Here I am, and She is not…

In my pre-children days I worked at a law firm for five years. That was my brief stage of struggling to prove my self-worth in the ‘working in an office, wearing office attire, building office relationships’ world. I had a blackberry back then, and that’s when I discovered the ghost buzz. Because I always had to wear my blackberry, which I did on whatever waist band I was wearing each day, I became very accustomed to the constant vibration/buzz that I felt on my right hip umpteen times a day. The weekends, when I left my bb on my night stand my days were annoyingly filled with ghost buzzes. I constantly reached for the unit that wasn’t on my hip.

Last night I opened the back door to let the dog out. This morning I looked for her when I came down with my six year old, and during lunch I quickly picked up the food scraps off the floor to stop Lola from getting to it first.

We had to put my baby down yesterday. I struggle using those words but…it’s exactly what happened. Within the last four days she went from being diagnosed with epilepsy to also having acute heart failure and she labored to take each breath. It was heartbreaking hearing those words that held so much more weight than what I had imagined. When those words become reality, they are so extremely devastating. Heartbreaking.

It was an eight year relationship that ended with such an absence of hope.

The night before she died I took her home. We all had a slumber party with the dog on my bed, letting the kids stay up later than ever before so they could just be with her. We cuddled her and talked to her and cried. I’m glad I did that. It was the next morning that was uncomfortable. The waiting…sitting at her side so that she didn’t feel alone…waiting for the scheduled time to come. Is that how life ends? Waiting for it? Dreading the moment but so uncomfortable that you are almost wishing for it. Very confusing and guilt ridden couple of hours.

And so she is gone. Even as I read these words I feel as if I could just step outside of their reality and she would be walking over with wagging tail to collect some cuddles…She was just a dog though so…life does move on. I had to shovel the snow today without any notice of my house somehow feeling like it’s filled with death. People needed to eat, baby bums needed to be changed…everything is as if she was never there. Or perhaps still is and these last four days never happened…or maybe somewhere between those two existences…

Eight years of having a pet. I wonder how long it will take before I don’t feel those ghost buzzes anymore…


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6 Responses to Here I am, and She is not…

  1. annakleinschmidt82 says:

    She was a lovely dog. Thinking of your family.


  2. JustAnotherNakedThought says:

    So sorry for your loss. I lost a dog a few years back due to a snake bite, so her life ended rather quickly, making it a real shock. I kept catching “ghost buzzes” of her through the windows into the backyard, where I’d so often seen her in the past, many times over the following year. And I kept expect her big cute face to be waiting for me at the door each time I went out. Certainly hard on the heart. Your image there of her is beautiful!


  3. Christine says:

    Dear Lola…. Dad and I will miss her enthousiastic greetings and kisses. Xoxo


  4. Lori Straus says:

    Sorry to hear about your dog, Jenn. I remember when I was a kid and my grandparents’ cat died. I was a mess, and I wasn’t even living with the pet. It’s definitely tough.


  5. Brian says:

    I never do facebook and yet suddenly I’m here, reading this…That was beautiful Jen. So sorry for you and your family…and Lola. Brian


  6. mumslimo says:

    Go ahead pour your heart out, it is good therapy. To lose some one you have loved and cared for so suddenly is not easy. She was an adorable little pet a member of your family. God Bless xx


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