Witness ME

We all try to do things to remind ourselves in times of listlessness that we are still….ALIVE. Of course some of us experience that feeling of disinterest or weariness more often than others… I wonder if that comes from our genetic makeup? Are we genetically inclined to crave…something more?

I wonder if perhaps it is cultivated during our younger years; more specifically during those horrid years when we are attempting to navigate through our time in highschool. Those who find contentment diligently focusing on their academics mature into successful, happy adults with families and…and….I’m not sure where that leaves the rest of us though.

I could see how it would be the equivalent of how one, through earliest sexual experimentation develop habitual activities to achieve orgasm. Did I create a pattern of habitual cravings for excitement??? Through craving attention as a child(perhaps due to the confusion of living in a divorced two home family – no blame on either parent) and my constant need to…to make my peers laugh, or more plainly just take notice(or as I note later; witness)

Wait! I craved being witnessed as a young child….it’s human nature…. I guess it comes down to a question of to what degree. Or whether it was fulfilled as a child. Perhaps that is the answer. How desperate one needs it and whether that is fulfilled and I guess whether that results in saisfaction. Apparently I was quite desperate. And not satisfied.

Can I therefore help my kids to avoid that same feeling by encouraging, providing ample attention(and possibly shielding the shit out of) them during their teenage years? But then again it’s those feelings that keep me ALIVE in a world where it is so easy to shift into autopilot. I definitely don’t want that for my children.

Either way, I think we all just want to be witnessed. What’s the point if there’s no one there to witness your life? I guess some of us are content with immediate family as witnesses and others of us need more. Need to create in a way that allows us to not only be witnessed by many many others but to be emotionally witnessed. Yes, that’s it. To be emotionally witnessed by many.

I crave to be emotionally witnessed by many. Good or bad. Loved or hated (although I prefer loved…)

I will continue to push my limitations, challenge myself, give of myself, create…all in the hopes that you will emotionally witness…me.

 

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