Its been a bit of a crappy day and I’m feeling anxious about my run on Saturday so…wanna play with me?
Sometimes I hate running. It hurts, it’s inconvenient and it’s energy sucking. But I sign myself up for a certain number of runs per year so that I am forced to be accountable for my health, fitness and physique. And when I am done…I feel like just for a couple fleeting moments…like a superwoman.
I suck at fundraising. I’ve taken my kids with me to try to raise funds for cancer research by going door to door. I don’t like doing it. I’m not a good salesperson at all. Not at all. I’ve still only raised under 40% of my goal and I’m feeling like a failure with it and want to just quit. I’m not going to yet, but I really want to.
I’m an addict. Not so much in the conventional sense. I’m addicted to chasing euphoria. I normally feel it through acting on my crazy ideas that most people think I shouldn’t do, forcing myself to achieve a level of transparency and by getting a sufficient amount of positive attention (I admit I have even craved negative attention at times). I’m one of those people who easily get bored with the mundaneness of every day life. I fight to bring excitement to it, I get off on anxiety, fear, and fighting through that. I keep uping the anti (as my mom says I keep “pushing… pushing…”) and eventually…eventually I’m going to be disappointed or will fail miserably or perhaps…break. It’s just who I am. I did it back in highschool with my life sized self nude portraits, I continued with my various piercings, tattoos, running away to NYC, building a band, even quitting it all suddenly to settle down. It’s in my veins to fight the current of the stream which naturally creates a constant inner struggle. And perhaps that struggle will eventually prevent me from ever being fully satisfied. Either that or perhaps it will one day help me to achieve a moment of complete brilliance..I can always hope.
For the small dozen or so of you who follow me…you’re strangers to one another really…so comment on here and give me a truth or dare. Play with me. Take a risk.
I dare you.