Sober or not I Will Not Quit

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I’m doing it again. I’m on Caesar five (and yes, I had to check the spelling) and I’ve been reading and writing the new play I’m working on. I have so many things coming up that makes me feel so…busy? Accomplished? Crazy? I don’t know. I’ve just got a lot going on and I’m trying to keep it all in perspective and work one step at a time.

But I am drinking and feeling….carefree maybe?

This play I’m working on I think is quite beautiful. I’m only six pages in but I’m afraid of writing too quickly and ruining the beauty of it. It’s true when they say you just need to write every day. I’ve written a lot of plays over the last nine months and each one is getting better. I think at least.

I’m putting on a play reading of my first full length play. I kind of love it. It’s authentic (one of my favourite words), and dream-like, and it is me. Not literally but it voices my impatience with a fantastic life I dream of…and puts a dramatic, immediate kind of spin on that…

I’m terrified of the reading. Seriously terrified. I’m afraid everyone I know and who is willing to support me will leave there thinking I’m either a bad writer or I’m totally warped and need to talk to a professional.

I’m a member of all these different writers groups. But most of them are writing novels or children’s stories. They can send their book off and wait for responses and sales. They don’t need to be present as a reading is taking place. I will be. And I’m freaking out. I think I’d like to be drunk. Maybe that would make it worse? I don’t know. If I’m not drunk for it I’m sure I will be after it.

I’m writing my stories…based on thoughts, dreams and emotions I experience privately. When you’re acting in a role you can use your own experiences but blame the writer…when you are the writer you have no one else to blame but yourself.

Terrifying.

So I will cheers one more time to…my new play and it’s slow progress, to my play reading and hope people don’t confuse me with a psychopath, to my need to keep moving forward with my…art…sober or not, to my journey that if I quit now I’m sure I will never get completely on course again…and I will visualize my strides ahead just as I do when I’m doing a long, painful run…

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