How To Hold Strong…

I’ve been watching my daughter as she begins grade one the last couple of days. She has been a confident warrior this week…and I have been a very proud mama. I realize it won’t always be that way…and it hasn’t been many times in the past…I have had unforgettable moments of forcing her through the gates at school and running with tears freezing on my face as I push a stroller carrying three little ones through the snow…

But she has been strong and I hope it’s even in small part due to what her mama has been doing lately. Maybe?

I wonder…we have all experienced anxiety…fear…at 41 I’m terrified of my play reading coming up. I’m not sure why. I will survive but…I mean, does it ever go away? Does that torturing self doubt ever stop burrowing into your soul? Does it ever let you just do what you hope to be your truth?

I’m trying to teach my girls about bravery and confidence and being different and strong in their differences from their peers. I have no idea what I am doing…I just pray that some how it sinks in…even if it’s twenty years from now….I hope that they will find happiness within themselves and their truths….I always tried to…even if that meant I was the ‘weird’ girl in school…

So, I’m doing this play reading. Never put one together before. Don’t know what I am doing. But I love the play I wrote. I’ve had suggestions and opinions from my friends and fellow writers but…I love my play. But to have it read infront of a group of people…I’m terrified that no one will even show up! It feels like I’m willing to pose naked infront of a large crowd….it’s terrifying.

And there’s that small voice inside me asking…”what’s the point?” What am I going to do when it is done? What will I accomplish?

Isn’t that awful????

I’m not sure what the next step is…or even what I really want to achieve. It just feels like the next step to take. I’m trying to get myself an assistant through the local high school to fulfill a student’s volunteer hours. I could use some help right now. Between this reading, and my daycare and all the angels I have to make…I’m trying not to drown…but it feels close.

“What’s the point?”

Every time I hear that little voice say those words…I force myself to push forward. It was a good thing I named my blog what I did. “Art Who Cares”. It some how holds myself accountable. I refuse to listen to that voice because I’ve written about it…I’ve told you and therefore I can’t give in to it…EVER.

It’s like every time I give myself a challenge. When I sign up for a run…or decide that next year I’m going to break a world record. Which I have. I tell people and then I am accountable. I have to do it. I can’t stand those people that are in the habit of saying one thing but doing another. I stick to it no matter what…most of the time…the important things anyway.

So, I’m going to work on the invitations now…and then hopefully I will have enough actors interested to hold auditions…and if not…I will make it work…it’s my destiny to see this through, move on to the next project…never give up my truth again…

Maybe if you’re in town…you will come to see it….

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