This morning while waiting for my baby’s dental surgery to be finished I had a real sense of this race I’m constantly running. The secretary asked me some very innocent questions to pass the time and I found myself talking about the various ‘adventures’, as I like to call them, that I’m involved in right now. The list has grown…and grown…and…
Well, she was impressed, which made me blush…And although I started my wait in tears, by the end I was feeling pretty proud of myself. Besides other encouraging compliments she passed my way, she called me a strong woman. Geez…I guess I see myself more as a struggling young mom (or perhaps babysitter? Some days it’s hard to remember that I pushed these two little people out of my actual body), struggling to find my voice and keep my business going and my house clean and my family happy and my body healthy and stop from running away from EVERYTHING!!!!
And there’s that race again. Whether I’m running to, running from, or running to train for a run…it seems I’m always running. Good thing I love to run.
If I think back eleven or so years ago, I worked in a bar and I remember some days feeling lazy or tired and calling in sick to avoid having to get off the couch. Everything felt like a chore and I was always tired. It’s funny how your perspective changes as your life changes. I’ve heard people say that you should always ask a busy person to get something done. It’s true. But I wonder why it is true. I guess…if you don’t have a choice, if you have children, or a business or deadlines of any kind you can get caught up in the race to get everything that needs to get done and one or two extra items to that list seem totally do-able. So then the next day is the same race but another item gets added to the list.And so it continues. And as that list stretches you learn to accommodate in order to…cope.
Is my race a coping mechanism?
Between my children, my training for my next run, the one hundred and forty felt angels I need to make by November 1, the reading of my first full length play in October, the portrait drawing class I’m teaching in October, the portraits I’m drawing for Christmas gifts, the fundraising I’m doing for cancer research, my weight lifting…and well, life….it feels like the only way I’m getting off this is race is if someone throws me off! How did it get that long? And why am I not panicking like a crazy person? Perhaps I am crazy??? Or perhaps I’ve learned to just cope with it all.
To be quite honest I think it all brings me joy. It all comes back to feeling like I’ve accomplished things. That I’ve been productive in things that I love and that bring me joy and as a bonus I get to teach my kids through example. My kids probably also think I’m crazy as most of my friends and family do but…they have a happy mommy who is creative and silly and fun and they get to experience things that other children do not.
(Maybe if I’d had this kind of energy back when I lived in NYC fifteen years ago…if I’d had kids there or other substantial commitments, perhaps the race would have started earlier for me and…maybe I could be…well…it didn’t happen that way so there’s no point in looking at the ‘what if’s…)
So right now, since I’ve finished my writing for the day…I’m going to force myself to lie down with my two beautiful children and spend twenty minutes or so watching some of Mary Poppins. See ma, I can relax!