Artistic Ecstasy

lady gaga

I sang tonight for the first time in a long time…rehearsing that is…I’ve been to karaoke bars or stood up and sang infront of friends at a party…But tonight I rehearsed with a band. They had their own vibe and I was obviously the outsider but…I sang. It felt comfortable and a little like where I’ve been missing to be.

I used to be in a band about eleven years ago. I was dating someone who played guitar and wrote songs and one night in the stairwell of his apartment building we started singing together. I’ve never been confident when it comes to harmonies or writing music but somehow it ended up just kind of working. He did most of the writing and all of the playing. I exercised my writing muscles enough to squeeze out three or four songs, but otherwise I took direction singing his songs and I managed the band. And we were good. You can’t find any evidence of us anywhere online anymore but…we existed and we were good. Random Acts of Kindness. That is what we were called. We played U2 influenced songs, comedic songs, Evanesence sounding songs…but all original. We refused to do covers. Perhaps one of our biggest weaknesses.

I remember sitting around playing with a group who would play with us from time to time. A drummer, basest, another guitar player….We rented space in a skuzzy looking room with holes in the rug and boards under the drum kit. We had just finished a rehearsal and I suggested to ‘my partner’ that we should tour across Canada. We had no ties, no real commitments, no real reason to sit still, no reason to not go. And so we did. And we played in dives, book stores, road houses across the country. We even played in a bar/club that held extreme fighting matches that Vanilla Ice had played in a couple weeks prior.

It was an adventure that artistic, free spirited 20 year olds should all experience. It was worth every minute and I look forward to sharing many of the drunken stories with my girls many, many years from now.

So tonight I sang again. This weekend we are attending a pool party where I will get a chance to sing those songs to an audience. It will be fun and I will wiggle and bob my head like a nerd as I sing my songs…and I will probably cry because my kids will be present and…well…I think more than anything my soul yearns to sing. I had my chance and I think I did alright with it back then. I took it for an honest ride and tried to enjoy every moment that I could. Perhaps my emotions get tangled with my need to find pure expression of whatever it is I have inside me. You know, come to think of it, I haven’t sung since I started my recent artistic journey. We will see how it goes on Saturday but…perhaps for the first time in my life I am finally squeezing out some of that raw inspiration that I have for so long cried to push out of my soul. Perhaps me and all that makes up me will be more in balance now that I am following what I believe is my own personal path of…well…artistic ecstasy.

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