When I was recently packing for vacation I stopped to chat with a neighbor. I had a hundred things on the go including caring for the children at my daycare and trying to prep for the trip with minus hours to finish it all. He made an off the cuff comment about how he was one of ‘those people’. The people who cannot have a normal schedule. The people who are up at all hours trying to complete the tasks they’ve committed to, plus have some resemblance to a life of…God forbid… normalcy.
I wondered…I definitely feel like I always create havoc in my life. I commit to too much and then struggle through the stress and the excitement just so that I can get to the other side and then finally exhale. But I wonder…is that a sign of someone struggling to accomplish, to make their mark on their local world and define themselves or is it just the sign of someone who has gotten so caught up in the craziness and demands of our fast paced society that they’ve actually lost their ability to breathe and just be?
I’ve gone through periods in my life when I think I was quite good at just being. They are few and far between but they do exist. They evoke fond memories as well as negative feelings of laziness. That dreaded despicable emotion of self judgement that if I dug deeper I would realize was more of a fear of being unnoticed and unloved. Since as long as I can remember I’ve had a fear of ‘surfing’ through life….which by definition would literally mean to ride, float, swim or play through life. That actually sounds pretty peaceful and amazing….So where does that crazy fear actually come from???
They say there are two types of people; the ‘doers’ and the ‘watchers’…the people who live in reality and the people who do not….the practical and the impossible…people who see it half empty and people who see it half full….I think that no matter of the gender, race, colour, religion, sexual orientation or origin…we are all human beings trying (consciously or not) to live our truth. And if my truth is to struggle for balance by filling my plate with too many challenges…to constantly feel like I’m fighting to get up hill after hill so I can feel the thrill of the ride down on the other side…well then so be it.
I may be on vacation right now but there’s never a bad time for some reflection in the dark as my beautiful children snore and grind their teeth next to me. I know they will learn these things from me and probably confuse or adopt my need to accomplish as part of their truth…I just pray that they also enjoy those moments of complete laziness and exhale.