I’m Calling Bullshit on Myself

My last entry was bullshit. It had good intention, and information I wanted to release but…it was generic…artificial…disappointing. I based it around my next adventure. Something I am completely terrified of and excited about. But I should have just posted the info and moved on from there. That’s not how you write about inspiration. Are you kidding? I actually started it with a definition. The exact opposite of inspiration. I hope many people read it for the information. But regarding what inspires me I’d like to start again…..

Inspiration is that sensational, bubbling, overwhelming urge that feels trapped inside my body, my heart, my…everything. As a young teen I was bursting with this feeling. I remember throwing dried Rose petals out my bedroom window, writing random words out my window in the siding of the house (sorry mom!)…I had no understanding, no guidance of what the hell to do with all that…energy….urge. ‘URGE’. That seems like a good way to describe my experience of inspiration. Even years later living in NYC I had no focus for my inspiration. Nothing to direct it at, no idea how to conceptualize my urges.

Finally in my forties. I am coming to understand.

Many things inspire me but it basically comes down to anyone or anything that creates an opening in my…everything. That makes my eyes shine, my skin take deep breaths…It’s not happiness but more of an aching joy. My senses heighten, my mind starts running, and I feel a NEED to create.

I think since I’ve suddenly discovered focus I have more control over my inspiration. I can settle down into my big, black, leather chair with a cider, chocolate almonds and my laptop. When the kids are dreaming and the house is still, I am able to summon up my inspiration. Call it forth and manipulate it.

I think that learning more about that control…not entirely mind you, but enough to feel encouraged…has made me a happier, more fulfilled person. I have barrels of energy and am excited (most days) to fit creating, exploring, reading, running, exercising, and playing in every single moment of the day.

I think all of this is slowly metamorphosing into a much larger, broader goal or creation. Perhaps I can find some way to mold it into a tool to guide young creative souls craving the guidance as I had. Who knows.

There it is. A much more satisfying ‘blurb’ on inspiration that I am proud to release. Now I can go on with my day.


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