I Found ‘Me’…Have you?

Recently I’ve talked to moms…just in passing..or as a way to create conversation when there is none…about knowing ourselves. The idea of how easily and quickly we lose ourselves in our children, families…responsibilities…Our generation has some how reverted back to a time in which women’s rights were non-existent, only now we are aware that they do exist and yet we choose to ignore them, fold them neatly and put them aside with the laundry in order to find ways to protect our children from every wrong that was done to us. We are in a time of the helicopter mom and super mom extreme. A time in which we are so afraid of fucking our kids up we do EVERYTHING we possibly can to give them everything, every safety precaution, every opportunity we didn’t have… There are safety helmets and pads for every activity. Everything must be healthy and organic and locally grown…we can send snacks to school but they must be nut free, dairy free, gluten free…fun free…and then we must sign permission slips for our children to have fun just incase one parent does  not approve.

I am one of those moms. Absolutely. I remember the second day of my baby’s life I took her for a walk and a bumble bee flew near her and I freaked. This perfect bundle of me was so helpless, so open to life and everything around her and this bee…I swear I was going to bite it with my own teeth to prevent it from hurting my baby.

So getting back to my original idea….we are soooo busy trying to be the best moms we can possibly be…that actually we aren’t really capable of being but, feel that we must in order to not fuck up our kids beyond recognition….that we have absolutely no idea who the hell we are. And for some reason…many of the moms I have spoken to are ok with this. Ok with being a mom…and not knowing anything about themselves…

Fuck that.

I think I’m a good mom. I screw up. I get tired and impatient. Some nights I hate to cook, and some days I don’t have the energy for the fights to brush their hair or choose matching outfits…I love my girls more than…more than anything else I can possibly think of. I go through periods of trying to be more than I am. I bake for the neighbors, and make dinners for a friend. I am on the parent council and incidentally am raising funds for pancreatic cancer (which will be in a post later this week), I run marathons and write and draw and….run a daycare…and it’s so so much. We are all fighting so hard to…what? To prove our worthiness? To prove our capabilities as a mom? Maybe that we deserve to have these beautiful beauties in our homes, under our care? I don’t know. I feel that same pressure…oh I feel it…like every day.

Perhaps that’s the reason why I started this blog in the first place. Half to continue to prove my worthiness and half to discover the ‘me’ underneath the motherhood. To discover her and slowly write her into existence…

Well, I found her. She’s here and creative and excited and ready to learn and grow more. I will always feel guilty about times when I don’t give my kids my full attention, when I’m not totally and completely living for them in every way but…I found ‘me’. And I am excited about what she is going to accomplish in the next year or so. I’m not going to sit around and submit my writing for others to adjudicate and decide whether I’m worthy of their time…

Fuck that.

Stay tuned for further info on my exciting event in October. I’m taking it into my own hands and running…image




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