There are days when I am in awe of what I am capable of. When my oil pastels or my fingers on the keys create without any time for me to second guess or over think my creation. Of course, it’s not all the time. But when it is I refuse to complain or get in the way of something I believe I was meant to be doing…
I remember back in theatre college when I felt like I second guessed or over thought everything I did. I was so in my own way…so lost in performance anxiety…in the need for approval, acceptance, love…by the end of that experience I needed to run away…as far away as I could get so that perhaps I could have the chance to start over again. Leave whatever reputation I had behind and pretend to have confidence in myself. So I ran away to New York City. No one knew me there. No one. And for a couple of months being there that remained.
I can’t run away anymore. As much as I would like to some days…I can’t.
So instead I choose my times, create my environment, and set myself to work. No longer anything to lose when it comes to creating. I don’t give a shit what anyone thinks anymore…Although of course I would love to be recognized…just being able to create…to somehow feel at peace with what is infront of me on the canvas…or the words on the screen…when it feels good…there’s nothing better. I am happy and at peace.
Sometimes when I am drawing with my kids…I will put a couple of colours together in a joyful, easy wave or shape and everything just feels good/right. It’s silly and simple…but it’s good. I finished another short script last night. I didn’t know where it was going…I didn’t know what the characters were going to say next but…when I was done…I was happy. It felt right. Tonight I started and completed the portrait you see above. I didn’t know what I was drawing…or how it would look when I was done…it just kind of happened. And it felt good and when it was done…it felt right. What could be more peaceful, or self satisfying…?
I can’t think of anything besides the smiles on my babies’ faces.
Life is good.
Art. I care…and LOVE.