Performance Anxiety

I haven’t worked on a canvas for over a week. I knew all day that I really wanted to tonight and made plans in my head of what I wanted to do. The moment came after the girls were asleep, the storm was over, laundry was started….and I sat and ate chocolate. I was afraid.Of course as soon as I admitted to myself that I was actually afraid I had to get the canvas out. I refuse to back down! (I hope that’s a good thing…I don’t want to force it either)Surprisingly I finished the piece. I think I like it. Honestly I’m not sure. But it’s done.

Before every big run I do I feel the same way. I’m terrified. Before every significant story or script I start I also feel the same; ready to quit before I begin. Why do I do all this shit to myself? Seriously? Probably because I guess if I didn’t…what would I be doing? Besides eating too much, watching a crap load of tv, feeling down, rotten, insecure, and pretty much useless?Well, I got my answer. I’ve got plans. I have things to create and no time to waste. So I did. It works. Every one doesn’t have to be the be all but I like it. It’s me.

I wrote an essay this week about my interpretation on ‘waiting’. What it means to me in my life right now at this moment…What am I waiting for?

What I came up with was that the first two decades speeds past so quickly there’s very little time for waiting. Your thirties is spent waiting for everything dictated to you by society; job, marriage, kids, blah, blah, blah…And now I am in my forties. Geez. I’m no longer waiting for anything anyone else suspects…I actually think that I may be waiting for IT.

IT. The meaning. The reason. The “why the hell am I here”. The point. I’m waiting to discover my IT. I may actually suggest that this blog is a small stepping stone in the right direction. Just a thought. My drawing, my writing….stepping stones as well. I am so thankful for these. I am thankful for so many things in my life and for some that are not. They all inspire me in different ways. I just hope that it never suddenly stops. I hope that the fear never defeats my urge to create. For so many years that side of me was silent…sitting in the shadows waiting. Waiting. I am so thankful that it’s out in the light…I just hope that it continues to grow like a weed in the sun….

I truly care.

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