This Too Will Pass

I’ve been afraid to look. Avoided it. Pushed myself down behind a curtain, blanket or layer of protection of some kind.

I haven’t done anything that I enjoy, that brings me joy. Out of fear. Out of fear of revealing or enjoying or…something. I haven’t written, or drawn or listened to music. I was encapsulated within myself. I did that. To me. I have felt encapsulated. The only one to blame is myself.

But I looked in the mirror today.

I’m still there. I can see me. But I’m slightly different. Not many others would notice but I see it.

I’m bearing my mistakes…and I have chosen to move with less freedom, speak with less words, and not feel anything more than what the day requires of me to get through it. But I can imagine that feeling lifting in the future. I can sense a release that will occur…and I have faith that I will be okay.

I am regretful, and slightly ashamed. But my self-induced prison will be unlocked with time, and patience, and compassion and I will release myself into a place in which I believe I will thrive.

“This too will pass.”

I am still here. I will be more present and joyful…soon. And in the meantime, I will breathe through each day…be thankful to sleep…and be prepared to accept what each day brings knowing that I will be okay.

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I Am Ready Now

I’m continuing on my journey today just like any other…a new day, a new year, another step in the right direction towards more fulfillment, a better self, less drama….a better me.

Today I am thinking about music. As I write my first song in over a decade…I’m thinking about the messages that are carried within the music I enjoy listening to. Like a sappy ‘chickflick’ that I can watch a hundred times over and still cry every time…music often makes me cry. If you dissect the use of chords, the lyrics, rhythms…most, if not all songs are created to invoke specific emotions from the listener. And if you consider music in only those clinical terms…music contains subliminal messages that can affect you especially when vulnerable.

You can technically say the same thing about movies, social media…

What I’m getting at is that it’s our choice. Just like everything else. I can choose to listen to tear-jerking music that will pull me down when I’m trying to keep my head up or I can choose to listen to uplifting, inspiring music that supports my journey to conquer my fears.

Doesn’t mean I won’t relapse. Doesn’t mean I won’t have days in which my desire to cry will overweigh my desire to wallow. But I will make better choices.

It’s funny. In all these discoveries I’ve been having recently I have memories of questioning the exact thing I’ve figured out. I remember posting in Facebook about how the songs I listen to affect me, but I didn’t take it any further than that. I didn’t even attempt to analyze it enough to understand why…I suppose I wasn’t ready then.

Well, dude…I am now. And I am walking forward into a more hopeful, exciting, inspiring future…

(Oh and…welcome 2020)

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BUT I DO

I may be a bit of a social media whore. I know, it’s shocking.

Not a week goes by without a handful of selfies. Not that I need to tell you that.

If I’m not posting my image, thoughts, my activities, quotes…I tend to start to question my existence…well, that’s not entirely true…because I’m always posting….I don’t need to question.

BUT I DO.

I do need to question my existence without the presence of ….you.

I do need to dance without having anyone watch it.

I do need to find joy and not demonstrate it.

I do need to write and draw without proving it.

I do need to be…without attempting to please anyone.

I do need to be…without trying to be loved by anyone.

I do need to be without the presence of YOU.

So…I will still be around from time to time…but I will be taking a break from posting anything. You don’t need to see me for me to know that I exist.

Let me say that again….You don’t need to see me for me to know that I exist. You don’t need to like me. You don’t need to approve of me.

I’m slowly releasing myself from things I didn’t even realize was weighing me down. And I feel light and relieved and ready.

See ya later alligator!!!

xo

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Hear Me Roar

As I continue on this journey of mine to release my codependency instincts…I have, for now, one more fear to share with you….

I’m an artist. I create from emotion. And I fear that if I am able to lighten my emotional burdens, to lead more from light and love I am afraid that my art will suffer.

I know, it sound ridiculous. What is more important at the end of the day????? But, my writing and my art is who I am when I am doing for me…it’s what I enjoy, how I thrive, how I express and experiment with my feelings, longings…

I attempted to write a play with a happy ending recently. I was on an emotional high and I was convinced that I would be able to accomplish it. I lost interest. I created a spin on the story that I was hoping would keep me engaged…and ultimately it didn’t. I’m smiling as I write this now…because it’s silly that I fear this. But then if I really think about it…it was another way that I used to fulfill my addiction of giving of my whole self. I was sacrificing myself to create something I hoped would make people love me. Wow. There’s an epiphany for you.

So, where do I go from here?

Well, I will keep drawing and writing…but perhaps I can find a way to do it more out of love than need or ultimately fear. I aim to create out of joy. I wonder what that looks like…

This blog is another tool of mine. I am fully aware that not many people read it. But when I do get an influx of readers my ego soars. Why wouldn’t it? So, do I continue with it? I think I will for now…but I will keep my journey in mind every time I hit that publish button. I am not sacrificing myself for this blog. I am willing to share my thoughts and experiences…but I’m still keeping them as mine…and I’m going to do it with boundaries in mind. Boundaries that help protect me from giving away too much.

Look at me…

Two important realizations in one afternoon. Hear me roar.

(Picture credit –  https://olivebites.blogspot.com)

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I Don’t Want To Be Free

Maybe if I pretended it didn’t happen

Maybe if I closed my eyes to you and all you mean to me

Maybe if I could forget what you’ve said and how you’ve made me feel…

Maybe I could be free

Of you

Of your hold on me

Of your love

Of the joy of being with you

Of my escape

Of you…

Only…

I don’t want to be free.

Not of you.

Not of your words

Not of your touch

Not of your body.

Not of my joy.

I want to be with you…

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Life Sucks as We Know It

Life is full of surprises and mistakes, heartache and joy, fears and hopes…it’s unpredictable and boring…disappointing and beautiful. It’s a day to day struggle to find meaning and purpose and to feel validated and worthy of it. It’s torture. Absolute torture. And yet, we keep living it…

I’m learning that I can accept certain things…and others I cannot. I’m learning that I don’t have to if I don’t want…and that I am…worthy and fantastic and loved and…talented. I am learning that I don’t always want to live in the real world…but that ultimately…that’s right where I am and I have to be ok with that. I have to be ok, for myself and for my children.

But it’s not pretty. As much as I would like it all to be…it’s not pretty.

So…there it is. I am a codependent working on independency and the world as we know it is not pretty.

But when the warm air meets with the frozen earth and water droplets are magically suspended within the atmosphere…painting our vision with an opaque image of lucid brush strokes and a soft thickness…we need to learn to take those moments in. To appreciate the beautiful. To love with whole, selfless hearts…to forgive, to empathize and to have patience for who and what is most important to us.

So easily people around me can affect my day. That’s another thing I need to learn…I must be strong within myself. I decide how I feel, I decide what is important and what is going to affect me. Not you.

But I miss you. Terribly and completely I miss you. And when the time is right…..

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I Confess…

It has become abundantly clear to me in the last three weeks that I am a codependent. I prefer to do for others rather than myself so much so that I lose myself and I constantly question my self-worth. Codependency is normally rooted in our childhood….and without any blame…because I’m 44 and totally responsible for the choices I make in life….I believe that I am reenacting my mother’s example of the family caregiver. I may have experienced some emotional manipulation during my parents’ divorce, a somewhat traumagenic environment,  and some financial struggles…

I decided to look into the idea of codependency…because I have always relied on other people, specifically men, to affect and direct my emotions, my preferences, my activities…and I want to both change that and also learn how to prevent it for my daughters.

I am a giver. I give too much, too soon, too naively…and in most cases out of fear rather than love. I remember having vivid dreams as a young child in which I was desperate to please the people in my life. These dreams jumped out of my sleep and haunted me during my awake hours…my need to please was overwhelming…and I think this imprinted that ridiculously desperate need into my psyche.  I apologize too often, even when it’s not my fault…because I believe that will somehow make the other person feel better…and that makes me feel more comfortable. I think I’m being polite by sacrificing myself…my feelings…for the sake of making someone else feel more positive.

I repress my feelings often. For the sake of keeping the peace, or preventing hurting someone else’s feelings…I’ve put myself into a lot of really not good situations for fear of hurting someone else’s feelings. I mean, it’s ridiculous looking back at but at the time, when I didn’t know what to do, it seemed like the right thing. Although I was never comfortable…but at least no one was angry at me. It’s a total reaction to fear.

I’ve even gone so far as to dumb myself down for others…I still do that often infact. I give in to other people’s demands, and generally take the path of least resistance. It is easier and keeps things less complicated. Supposedly.

I seek approval from others. I am afraid of rejection. I need to be needed in order to feel…complete.

This is the generalized gist of a codependent. There’s more but…that’s the gist.

So, where do I go from here? Now that I know…what do I do with that information?

Well…I have decided how I want to feel on a daily basis. I have taken steps to learn how to accomplish that…how I can protect myself without compromising my natural instinct to give, how to live without guilt, and how to take time to replenish myself, and how to ask for help.

It all sounds very…simple. But most of that goes against my natural instincts. I suppose it takes practice.

I know all of this. It’s common sense. I can give advice and I can observe a situation and understand what is going on….but to look at myself? To understand what I am doing to myself? And ultimately what I am doing to my children…that’s a very big pill to swallow.

But I will not give up. I will conquer this. I will make the necessary changes, I will recognize what I actually want in life…I will learn to avoid certain situations and relationship types, I will create healthy boundaries, I will learn to stop seeking approval. I will take care of me.

It’s a long road….I don’t expect anything to change overnight. But it will change. I will make the necessary changes. Not because I have to…or because someone else thinks I should…I’m going to make positive changes for me. For my kids. For me. Because I’m the only me I will ever have….and I think I may just deserve to be…happy.

If any of this sounds familiar…maybe you want to look up the online course I’m taking? Just incase? dailyom.com

Codependency is not an ending…it’s not a state to remain within or celebrate in any way…it’s a beginning to learning about ourselves and how we can find happiness.

Cheers to all you codependents out there and all the work we have ahead of us xoxoxo

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