Sometimes, I want to put certain words together…I have an emotion I want to describe…that I want to pour into something relatable for others to read….right in those particular moments…my words become these silly, oversized, redundant rocks that are such large obstacles…they seem impossible to get around…impossible to change or to polish…and I’m left feeling so frustrated and unable. Unable. I find myself revisiting the young teenager who hung out of her bedroom window, writing sayings on the wall outside, throwing rose petals like they were all sacrificial offers to the Gods of creativity. I am stuck and I have to accept it as a human trait. Not because I’m failing but because I’m human and completely allowed to just suck. It’s my right. I suck. So there it is. I worked on a song tonight and ended up with an unsong. The garbage type words that create the opposite of a beautiful song. An unsong. You can expect me to not sing it, for you to not hear it…for it to basically be unsung. So….I will try again tomorrow. That’s all any of us can do. Right?
I am often pulled down into dreams less harsh than my current reality. Softer edges, more contentment…I feel myself inhale and there is this itching knowledge that everything is as I wished it would be. Those moments I missed, those relationships unresolved, those yearnings fulfilled as they can only be in an existence that has softer lines.
I awake and clutch onto those feelings for as long as humanly possible. Even now I can conjure those lingering sensations…because of how closely I held onto them and replayed them within my foggy moments of lifting into awareness. The words unspoken, the successes unseen….there in those depths they are all possible and somehow…somewhere…your existence is always present.
Your hand as it brushes mine. Your voice as it whispers to me. The heat in my cheeks, and the smile I can’t avoid when you suddenly appear in this private place that is only mine to know.
My day is better after those experiences. My heart is a little more active, my grin a little more generous. Your face shimmers across the surface of my pool dissipating into the darkness of the twilight. And then I wait. Wait for another opportunity to be pulled back down into my haven.
It began as an irritation; an itch just out of my reach. Barely evident most of the time…but yet it was there. Often I was able to lose sight of it entirely…but it always returned, dragging its annoying nails across my skin. I suppose at some point I came to relish its presence. Its stench both alluring and gruesome. In moments of unbearable isolation I secretly begged for it to arouse something within me. It didn’t often disappoint. But not without a pinch of guilt.
Recently the comfort of its familiarity has grown sour. My patience has faded. And I wonder if maybe I’ve made it out to be something it never was. Is that possible? Maybe I’ve just had enough and would prefer to squash it rather than let it steer me where I’m afraid to go…
The thing is… it’s become an ache. I literally ache…for you.
And no matter how deeply I inhale, stretch or meditate….there is an overwhelming sense…of… pain. It’s coming on with strength and neither you nor I can slow it down. I’m grasping for something to bring calm but…It’s completely unavoidable. So…eventhough it hurts…and it does…I want…I want it. Is that ok?
We have moved from an existence of coping to an existence of lying.
“Yes, I’m ok”
When really we are scheduling time to masturbate just to give ourselves a moment of excitement and “self love” that we really have no interest to fulfill. We have learned to smile when people expect us to. We have learned to breathe….to ‘be ok’ when really we have been alone for…what feels like forever….
I try to make you smile…I know why it doesn’t work…but I try again just because of my own selfish needs….and when you smile/ if you actually do…and I may only know you do through your words…through your simple texts…my whole world is a little lighter…
But in the mean time….we are all lonely. But pretending to not be.
Quick! Gather together today before you can’t. Congregate in a group to play games, drink in the park, set up your friends. Make plans with your family to have a barbeque, to celebrate the beginning of the holidays, to feed each other and catch up before you no longer can. We have an opportunity to share with others in person today before another ending is upon us. Tomorrow is the beginning of the end of any contact we have been able to squeeze in, any and all “non essential” entertain or joy.
Endings have been more frequent, and gradually more manageable…or perhaps we are just numb. I’ve never liked endings. I don’t conform to transitions well. But I suppose as they come at us more frequently, and we grudgingly make the necessary adjustments…perhaps we’ve learned to appreciate here, right now.
As I am right now here, I see you taking in this moment knowing that tomorrow will be different. In these days that all look and feel the same… in these weeks that we need to make plans months in advance just to know that there’s a future time that will look different than now. Yes, I suppose there IS a numbness…almost an asphyxiation. We all labour to breathe through it fighting against the force that could pull us all down a dirty laundry shoot of anesthesia.
Quick! Time is running out…seek joy today…seek a strong ground for your feet and know that this ending is just another beginning.