Vi Fncking Vacious

I am currently working on stepping into a woman who has very few if any limitations….perhaps this is the seed of my interest of ‘restraint’. As it should be.

She is fascinating and breath taking…I feel a freedom in her that I won’t admit to have been longing for….I am grateful for her presence and the words that bring me closer to her existence. I cherish her scattered thoughts that make sense in a very insensible way…and it makes me feel vivacious.

Vi Vacious. Lovely. She chews on her words with a fervent need for them and desire to explore them and devour them….How fortunate of me to get to wear her clothes for a short while….

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What If We Didn’t?

IMG_4829 (1)Restraint.

I’m interested in this…

We are taught about self control and restraint from an early age. To refrain from doing things that are not safe for us and others, saying things that could hurt someone’s feelings or be impolite. As we age we learn to restrain our “inappropriate” ideas, actions, words…stifling our true impulses, urges, desires to attempt to be more accepted, inconspicuous, loved, and “normal’.

How many times have you had a conversation with someone and refrained from saying what was really on your mind?

We all have these desires, things that we fantasize about…hiding them away for no one else to ever know. We restrain ourselves due to fear of the consequences of those desires…but what if we didn’t?

What would that moment be like when instead of making the ‘right’ choice, you fell into your impulse without any worries of future consequence? Like that moment when a responsible, organized mother agrees to her fifth drink, and she lets her children and responsibilities fade away. That moment when a married man slips his wedding ring into his pocket as he continues his flirtatious conversation with a sexy woman. That moment when someone who has privately fantasized about being dominated by a sexual dominator gives in to the handcuffs…These are tame compared to the deep secrets most people carry with them I assume…those things that one just never shares….and then there are less loaded urges that we sometimes give in to and may deal with moderate repercussions.

There are many people who do. After they weigh out their needs versus their reality, they make the decision that perhaps their urges are worth the risk. I imagine that would be very freeing. Not that I have never given into impulses. I have. But still within certain limitations. Within the safe boundaries of the world I live within.

I suppose if we fully gave in to the real dark ones….that’s exactly what we would be….DARK.

That is slightly exciting to me for some reason…just the possibility of it….perhaps more so on paper than actually in real life. Just enough to wet my appetite but not enough to let go of my rope of safe limitations.

I suppose restraint is required in order for us to all live safely together. But it would certainly be interesting if, for just one day, you could completely and totally….LET GO.

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Scarred But Excited

There are four things to know about me.

  1. I like attention. Just like many other young people I equated my self worth to the amount of attention I got. Over the years that need has decreased somewhat, and I’ve learned since being a mom how to enjoy a different type of attention through my children and all of their amazingness.
  2. It’s difficult for me to turn down a challenge. I’m a stubborn so and so who refuses to back down even when it involves something I don’t want to do…not even just simply don’t want to do, but absolutely DO NOT want to do. You think I can’t? Well, fuck you. (also connects back up to #1)
  3. Monotony and I don’t play well together. I get bored easily. But then I don’t tend to let myself get bored…cause there are too many fantastic, wonderful things out there to see and do, and create…No time for it. Monotony that is.
  4. 40 was my turning point. I settled down when I had my babies. Dedicated myself to them and their needs; I was devoted and loyal and somewhat transparent and void of me. 40 was the year I realized that and made a choice to change it. (See #3 as to why I had to make a change or suffer complete identity loss)

Why am I telling you this?

Because I’ve discovered that those childhood dreams…those crazy ideas we have as we are developing our self identities are not fleeting. They are not something we create as a desperate attempt to feel human or whole or important amongst a crowd of millions. It’s who we are. It’s our insides speaking to us…guiding us to happiness. I truly believe that.

I have recently, out of a complete fluke really, been given an opportunity to revisit my childhood dream. The one that pushed me and kept me up at night, the one that made me move out of the country and to a dangerous city all by myself.

The first time around I was taken advantage of. I was young and naive, and open hearted. I was willing to follow anyone who was wanted to give me a chance, to offer me hope and praise and…attention. It was exciting and euphoric and all encompassing.

I felt some of that tonight. But within a different space, seen and felt through older more mature eyes. These eyes have already been here but now they react differently. Not entirely. I was still excited, and flushed with anticipation. But when we were done for the night I went home to the responsibility of my babies and their needs.

I have some scars that remind me of past mistakes…but the breath and light is still the same. And I am thrilled to be able to taste this all again.

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I Pretend.

We are formed by the environment around us, by the words, actions, people around us who click for us, who hit a nerve, who echo in our minds and our hearts…

Sometimes those external factors who affect us most are not so kind. They are not acting in our best interest and therefore take things from us we never meant to give….

We can choose to fight against those negative influences. We can choose to not accept their interruption of our path…but they burrow in. They dig in their claws and leave their mark on us that we are unable to wipe away….

And we are left with holes. Holes that have been ripped through our skin…that leave us with an emptiness, a longing, and a loneliness.

I feel lonely. And if I look back…I can see so many….holes. So many opportunities in which someone else took advantage. And I made it easy for them…didn’t want to be a struggling fish caught in a net…just laid still and let them pull me in…over and over again.

And now here I stand…almost transparent.

I am transparent and affected and reliving the echo as it rips at my skin and I pretend to keep it all together for just another day.

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It Sucks to be Vegan

So the thing is I’ve been vegan for almost ten weeks. My goal is a year and then maybe it will become my norm. And my goal will be to just continue as is….

To be completely honest, it sucks when you first start. So beware.

My stomach was double the size, and my girls were trying hard to accept their mommy as being a stinky, tooty mess. I depended on digestive, bitter drops to keep my stomach in balance…that and the ginger tea, ginger kombucha, ginger everything I could find to try to stay painfree in the stomach area. The last three weeks or so, that has all fallen away.

To be completely honest, I enjoy the diet I’m following. It doesn’t suck at all. Yes, there is things I miss but, we have so many options now. And to be vegan has curved a lot of the cravings I once had. It also gives me a legitimate excuse to avoid indulging in certain, completely unhealthy choices.

If anything, I would say the most difficult part is to create new versions of the vegan favourites in order to keep things exciting. The first five weeks or so was very exciting as a vegan…and then it became work. Just like any relationship. It hits a wall.

So I’ve been walking on that wall, and not doing a bad job with the groups and pages I’ve joined…there is support and suggestions available out there….

It is empowering and lonely all at once. I am frustrated with the time it consumes and am excited by the flavours I have learned to create.

It all started with one person who spoke of his choice to be vegan. He will go down as someone who was important in my creative process….that and he explained his diet choice that I couldn’t seem to let go of….Funny how people can affect us…people who are not present in our daily lives….who only stop by for a short time….

I am strong, and healthy, and teaching my girls yet another lesson…

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Next to Me?

So once two souls are together…is that it? Do they have to fight to remain together? Is it a struggle to get to that point and then there is no where to go but down, or in terms of the couple to split apart? Can we not persist and remain where we have hoped to be? Can we find someone next to us and without too much fight, or heart break continue to remain next to them for….as long as we have? If not forever then…for a long time…for as long as it takes…for as long as we have…as long as possible….?

For those of us who feel too much…who yearn for more…who love with our whole selves….can we not love and be happy with that one person whom we have loved more than anyone else?

If we can’t….well, what else is the point?

You have doubt and that makes me feel…vulnerable? Sad? Maybe it’s uncertain and I just don’t like that feeling….at some point we should all have someone who makes us feel a little more…confident…not whole..I don’t believe in the whole “you complete me” thing…but another person who truly loves you for who you are, should make you feel stronger…more certain…more you.

You do that for me…sometimes….and sometimes…no one does…and I wonder….

With all the stupid things I do….

What’s the point?

….

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Why Live?

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The absolute bliss of living without the external influence of other stupid humans who attempt to break down your walls and penetrate your self confidence. To see through all of that so much so that you don’t even see it at all. That is to live. To be happily living.

To live as though every day is your first, your last, and a celebration worth celebrating.

The challenge to life is not so much surviving in this day in age as much as it is to be living. To feel and breathe and go towards and after everything that pulls on you. Everything that brings tears to your eyes, a smile to your lips and a thunder into your heart. Survival is not enough. To exist is not enough. It’s about affecting, inspiring, being infectious to the people who make you want to be and do and give more than you ever thought was possible.

There is no limitation, no labels, no numbers to define our existences. We are. And we will be.

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